So....You Still Interested?

That was the call I got from my RE clinic the other day. Actually, it was more like, "Hi! So, you got your Infertility diagnosis and treatment plan 4 months ago....are you going to do anything about it?" And sadly, (very sadly) my answer was "No, we are not."  Honestly it was crushing to have to call the clinic back and tell them that at this point, we just can't.  Especially since in my mind, I am thinking "Yes!! Yes we want to do it!  We will do whatever it takes!"

I have been in such a good place with things lately.  Despite our best-laid plans going terribly wrong, I have had a new job to focus on, I have been spending time with friends, I have been working out like a fiend and trying to lose some weight, and had convinced myself that I was totally ok.  And then the call came, and I realized that I am not. I can be good, push infertility out of my mind for days at a time, and then the smallest thing happens that sends me into a spiral again. I never would have thought that here we would be, 20 months into this process with no baby, no positive pregnancy test, and no idea at all when our time will come. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

That said, I am SO SO thankful for some of the amazing people that I have met along the way...the ones that understand....that can let me be sad, but also remind me to not give up.

I realize that this song has nothing to do with infertility, but Greg Laswell is a man after my own heart, and this song kind of sums up what I feel like at the moment...... It Comes and Goes in Waves

Growing up, Growing out

Not sure if anyone is even still reading this, since I have done such a crappy job of updating, but I am trying to get back into the swing of things, so here I am.

First, the growing up part.  Sometimes I love it, and sometimes I hate it.  I love that I have a job that I care a lot about.  I love that what I do is making a difference for people. I love feeling like I am contributing something positive to the world. I hate paying bills.  I hate getting older, and chubbier and more cynical. I hate that half of the bands I grew up listening to are totally obselete. :P I vividly remember being like 16 and being SO impatient to get older, have my parents off my ass, and be able to call the shots.  Sadly, now that I actually AM older, I wish that my parents were around more, and someone else is still calling the shots, so 16-year-old-self; How do you like them apples?

As for the growing out part....I hope that is reversible. I finally decided about a week and a half ago that for as often as I complained about the fact that I was getting fat, I did very little about it. Complaining is easier than exercising. :P  SO, I finally smacked some sense into myself and signed up for MyFitnessPal, began tracking all of my food and exercise, and have been finishing under my calorie goal every day!  I haven't really seen much by way of results yet, but I am proud of myself for doing it.  I have also done some form of work out for 8 of the last 11 days.  J started doing P90X with me, and it is kicking my ass, but I am confident that someday I will be able to do all of the videos.  I love feeling the burn!

SO - that was probably among the most lame and pointless updates I have posted, but if you are still reading this blog, you must like me at least a little bit, and will consider letting this one slide. :)

Public Transportation

I have been terrible about blogging, so for those of you that check in, I am sorry that I haven't had anythig new in awhile!  With my new job in full swing, I am having a hard time balancing everything else on my to-do list!

Now that I am back to commuting on the regular, I have been celebrating all of the joys of public transportation. This last week held some of most awful public transportation situations rolled into a 7-day period.  First, there was the guy next to me on the bus who grunted literally the whole trip. It sounded like a perpetual clearing of the throat, combined with a growl, and was both frightening and distracting.  Then, I got on the subway and had a guy fall asleep on my shoulder.  I was in a middle seat and tried to move away, but I couldn't get too far.  He didn't wake up, just dozed on my shoulder until I could free myself.  Later in the week, the subway was PACKED because it was raining outside.  I made it on, but was positioned directly under the armpit of someone that had just worked a full day without deoderant.   The odor was horrible, but again, I had nowhere to go.  Adding insult to injury, the train stopped because there was a medical emergency on board, so there we were, packed like sardines and stopped for almost 20 minutes, while I tried desperately to avoid the armpit of doom. 

Yesterday, I was supposed to be flying home for a series of events that I was really looking forward to; the baby shower of a close friend, the wedding of another, and the birthdays of two of my nephews.  I am really lucky to have access to extremely discounted travelby flying standby, but after yesterday, I wonder if the benefits are even worth it.

Long story short, I didn't make it on the first flight, nor three flights following.  Not one single customer service agent would help me....they kept shoving me off and giving me phone numbers to call, sending me to different service desks, etc., and then I would do that, and no one would help me there either.  My cell phone died between the seemingly hundreds of calls home and to the customer service line (which was useless by the way).  I then paid for iternet at the airport so that I could try to look up flight information on my own, but the airport was a dead zone, and I couldn't even use the iternet service that I paid for. Since I kept being shoved off to other areas, I literally hoofed it from one end of the airport to another 4 times, while lugging my heavy bags. By this point, I was so upset that no one from the airline would take even 5 minutes to give me any information or help me, that my patience had worn thin.  After nine hours at the airport, I finally gave up and decided to go home.  I hauled my stuff to the bus stop, only to get there and find that they had moved the bus stop.  So, once again, I hauled my crap accross another terminal, and by the time I got out to the re-located bus stop it was pouring rain.  Seriously the worst day I have had in a long time. For what it's worth, Delta will be recieving a phone call about how I was treated by the agents, and I NEVER call in complaints for anything.

Anywho.....an enthralling update I am sure.  My basic message is that all of this disappointment led to the most delicious pepperoni and green olive pizza I have ever had, and as you may well know, pizza solves everything.

Starting Over

This week I was back to work for the first time in almost 5 months, and while I am so excited to be working again, I forgot how completely exhausting it was to commute almost an hour each way on public transportation and work 8 hours! I have been mentally and physically drained.  Yes, I realize that this is normal, and nothing to complain about,but this isn't a complaint at all, more of a reminder of how truly relaxing it was to operate under my own schedule. 

That said, here is a recap of the good and bad things I learned this week at work.

GOOD
*  We can wear jeans to the office. This is amazingly awesome to me.  As much as I am happy to wear business attire, nothing compares to a jeans day once in awhile.
*  We get done at 3pm on Fridays during the summer. Truthfully, I don't ever do much on Friday evenings, but it seemed like I should be excited about this, so I am.
*  I have one whole week next month off - paid - and it doesn't count against my vacation time.  It is just a freebie for everyone to regroup and relax at the end of summer.
* My co-workers seem really fun and funny. People are laughing all the time.
* My organization is currently working on a number of really exciting projects, so I think there will be a lot going on to keep me occupied and engaged.
*  There is a Pret directly accross the street. If you do not know what Pret A Manger is, Google it. Best ever!

BAD
*  I kind of forgot how hard the learning curve can hit at a new job.  I am back to the point of feeling dumb because I don't know what is going on, and feeling like I am not contributing.  I am looking forward to being able to do some "actual" work, and prove to my team that I can hack it.
* I think my eyes almost started bleeding from all of the reading I did last week.  It was good in terms of helping inform me of what was going on, but by day 4, I was starting to get a migraine and my vision was blurring.
*  I feel like a new kid in high school, sitting alone at the lunch table.  I know it takes time to make friends, but I am hoping that I do.

Anyway, I wish this update were more entertaining, but I wanted to put it out there for those of you that I know IRL that have been asking to know about the job! I promise I will try to be better about posting more frequently once I get settled in.

Au Revoir for now!

Oh Yeah, Forgot to Mention.....

I went out to brunch with a friend yesterday, and as we were talking, she kindly reminded me that I had never posted a blog update about the three-month-long job saga. SO, here I am with that update.

Last Monday, I got a call from the Executive Director of the organization, officially offering me the position!  I was honestly quite impressed that the ED called me himself to welcome me to the organization. That small gesture alone speaks highly to what I believe will be a good level of job satisfaction. I start tomorrow, and am really excited to get to know people, and to get to work.

That said, I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.  With every new work experience there is a learning curve, where you don't really know what you are doing, haven't formed relationships yet, and are praying that they don't at some point look at you like you are a doofus and question their hiring decision. I know I have mentioned this before, but I am an introvert that has grown adept at the "fake-it-till-you-make-it" mentality.  This doesn't mean that I don't get terrified as hell walking into a new environment, however. I am hoping that tomorrow will go well, and I can make it through the first day relatively unscathed. Thanks to all of you that have offered encouragment during this process. I really appreciate it!

This Says it All

There are moments in life when a song captures emotions perfectly.  Right now, this is mine. 

Book Reviews!

What? Book reviews? Yeah, not my standard MO, but lately, my life has been about as exciting as

I have been reading a lot, in part to meet my goodreads goal of 50 books this year (over halfway there!), but also because I am a big fan of escapist literature.  You know, the kind that is not even close to my real life, so I can pretend for a few hours that I really am not super lame, sitting in my sweats, eating Chinese food, having conversations with my dog.

I have a Kindle Fire that is closer to me than some family members. We spend time together every day, and I feel that we have a loving relationship. I wouldn't say that it is replacing my husband........but kind of. I have this thing that sets the bar for good books with me, its

 

This past weekend, this feeling came around again, when I was crazy enough to read 3 books in 3 days.  Thoughtless, Effortless, and Collision Course - all by S.C. Stephens. I will preface this by saying that I have had a lot of free time, since I am not back to work yet, so perhaps the absence of feeling like my time is valuable and limited may have influenced my decision to stay up till 4am for three days in a row. That said, I really enjoyed all 3 books, and my decision to read them was based far more on the reviews than the publisher's descriptions, which I actually thought sounded kind of lame.

SO, for those interested in some sexy, romantic, engaging fiction, here are my reviews.

Thoughtless

Kiera is a college student with a hot Aussie boyfriend that she is in love with. When her boyfriend gets his dream job accross the country, she decides to go with him and finish up college in a new city where she can be with Denny. Although this kind of breaks the first rule of female independance, I get it - first love and all. The romance is deep, the sex is hot, and the accent can't hurt.

Anyways, they end up moving in with Kellen, an edgy, sexy musician and long time friend of Denny's. Kellen gives gives Keira a lady-boner from day 1, but she just considers it window shopping since she still gets her rocks off on Denny. After not too long, Denny has to take a long term assignment out of state, and leaves Kiera alone in a city where she knows almost no one except aforementioned sexy, edgy musician. And this my friends, is stupid boyfriend mistake #1.

Lines start to get a little blurry between Kiera and Kellen. He tries to befriend her, and help her cope with Denny being away, but secretly he kind of makes her tingly, and it is really hard (tee hee) to ignore the chemistry between them.

Dumb boyfriend mistake #2 happens when Denny decides (without talking to Kiera) to take a permanent position out of state. Obviously when he tells her this, shit hits the fan, and she tells him he can take a walk.  Several comforting tequila shots later, the plot thickens.....

No further spoilers, but as someone who has been tangled up in an intense (though imaginary) love triangle between Tom Hardy and Channing Tatum, I can fully relate to the pain that comes from having to choose between two equally appealing pieces of man-candy.

HIGHLIGHT: Naughtiest club move ever in this book.

Effortless

I wish I could say more about this book, but because it is a sequel to Thoughtless, I can't say too much without spoilers.

I will say that Kiera eventually makes a decision, but since Thoughtless was basically a Pong match between the sexy Aussie and the edgy musician, this relationship is about as trustworthy as a used car salesman.....so I guess that makes the title misleading, but believe me, it all makes sense as the book goes on.

HIGHLIGHT: Involves a party, and a bathroom.

Collision Course

This book is also super emotional and complex, but in a different way than the other two.

Lucas was a popular kid in high school, finishing up his junior year. He played football, was in love with his girlfriend. Pretty much all of the stereotypes that high school dramas are made of.

But then, at the end of junior year, he is the driver in a fatal car accident that kills his girlfriend and his 2 best friends. Suddenly, he is blamed for their deaths, he stops playing football, he struggles to cope, deals with severe survivor's guilt, and is basically a justifiable disaster.

He meets Sawyer (a girl), who is kind of a social outcast, but doesn't give two shits what people think, and becomes pretty much the only person that will still talk to Lucas.

I can't even attempt to make this review funny, because I seriously ugly cried Farrah-from-Teen-Mom-Style at points while reading this book. The last time this happened was when I was reading Marley and Me, and I had to explain to my husband that my uncontrollable sobbing was caused by the death of a Labrador I had never met.

The lack of judgement exhibited in the amount of hours spent reading these three books in a three day window, also carried over to me emailing the author in the midst of my book-induced insomnia to tell her how much I liked them.  I really did like them all - a lot....but I think I could have saved the melodrama.

In any case - the books have been linked, the reviews have been written, and you, my friends,  have been given the gift of new reading material.

Thick Skin

I have a confession:  I am easily frustrated by people that are overly sensitive or have a thin skin. I am not talking about people that are hurt when people are cruel or are unmoved by the struggles of others. For the record, I was a very sensitive and emotional child.  I am still a very compassionate person.  I cry at the ASPCA commercials. I give money to pretty much every homeless person I see. I like babies and flowers and glitter.

BUT, I have also not had everything handed to me in life. I have not been coddled.  I have had to listen to hard truth at times.  And I have one big and important message that I wish everyone could understand:

LIFE IS NOT FAIR. 

Sometimes I hate that life isn't fair, but the fact that I hate it won't change it.  So there are 2 choices: whine about how unfair life is, or suck it up and just keep on living...and maybe learn something in the process.

Sometimes people will tell you things that you don't want to hear.
Sometimes an idiot will be your boss.
Sometimes you won't get the pay, or promotion or opportunities that you feel you deserve.
Someone will always be prettier, nicer, funnier, richer, thinner,or  more talented than you are.
Not everyone will want to be your friend.
Other people will cheat or lie to get ahead and at some point, you will likely get thrown under the bus.

Don't take yourself to seriously. 
Don't let anyone else determine your opinion of yourself.
Be good to others, but don't forget to be good to yourself in the process.
Integrity should be placed in high regard.....it's who you are when no one is looking.

I will be the first to admit that I throw semi-regular pity parties for myself.  They usually last no more than 24 hours and include some sort of cake. But you can be damn sure that after 24 hours, I still emerge with my head held high. And this is my wish for everyone.

Now, in an effort to not allow you to think that I am standing up on my ivory tower, here is proof that I am actually in my living room, wearing a gas mask. (Or was just having too much fun with my webcam.)

Celebrating America's Independance

Here we are in one of the most amazing cities in the world, and our lack of friends and knowledge of area attractions has seriously wounded our ability to celebrate holidays appropriately. Back home, July 4th consisted of parades, BBQ's in the park, outdoor games, sparklers, family, and watching the fireworks display over the city of  St.Paul.

This July 4th consisted of sleeping in, doing laundry, watching the classic Civil War film, Glory, and naturally, dining at a German restaurant. :) But don't you worry, the night was capped off with several competitive games of Angry Birds between DH  and I, and a nice televised viewing of the Macy's Fireworks display in NYC.....just 9 short miles from our home. The lameness has reached a whole new level!! 

In other news, this Tuesday I had a meeting with the organization I have been in the interview process with.  I don't remember if I shared, but last week they told me that they thought I was overqualified for the position I originally applied for, but told me they thought I would be a great fit with the organization, and gave me two other job descriptions to look over, and basically told me to pick one!  I spent the weekend thinking it over, and brought some questions with me on Tuesday. I was able to settle on a position that I am really excited about!  Now I am just waiting to hear final details!  As I have shared, the whole interview process has been interesting....from the Zombie apocalypse interview question, to the light sabers in the conference room, to one of the staff showing up with a dodge ball.....well on Tuesday the interesting event was that there was a gas leak in the building about 10 minutes after I got there, so we had to be evacuated.  There I was in my business suit and heels, hiking down ten stories while fire fighters hurried to clear the building.  Needless to say, the meeting was cut somewhat short......which leads me to this: 

Mint Lemonade.

What, you may ask, does mint lemonade have to do with anything?? I will tell you:  It is the most refreshing summer beverage EVER, and after hiking down ten stories in highly uncomfortable wedge heels, I was in need of something thirst quenching, and this is what I settled on. SO.FREAKING.GOOD.  I now have an offical summer go-to beverage. And that makes me happy. 

My Week in Pictures

I am so sorry for the long delay in posting. There is an explanation, which follows, in My Week in Pictures. Enjoy!!!

BUT, in an effort to see the silver lining in everything........a recap of my Saturday night:

You're Welcome. :)



Smorgasboard

Is that how the word is spelled?  If you aren't Scandanavian, you probably don't know, or care. Basically it just means a miscellaneous assortment of things - in this case, subject matters.

First, I would like to introduce you to this guy:

He lives inside my head between my eyebrows, and starts swinging that damn club around like a maniac everytime I am stressed, (as in, now).  My head is throbbing, and I just issued a cease and desist, but as you can see, angry troll doesn't pay much attention to such demands.

I am stressed the eff out because I recieved a cryptic phone message last Thursday from the organization I have been interviewing with. It basically said that they would be contacting me on Friday (last Friday), or very early this week to "discuss my candidacy as well as some other positions at the organization that we feel you may be suited for." GAH!  I am very open to options. I would LOVE to work for this organization. I am less open for debate on what constitues "very early" in the week. Thus, angry troll is swinging away in there and I am suffering through the aftermath.

Secondly....can we discuss this for a moment??

I fully admit that saying you are going to see this movie for the storyline is like saying you read Playboy for the articles.  I don't care. I fully admit that Friday cannot come soon enough. If this movie was being shown in Imax 3D, it would be even better.  As my dear friend Mary (happily married for more than 20 years) likes to say: "There's no harm in window shopping, as long as you don't bring anything into the dressing room to try it on." A-men. 

Likeability

This week I had my final interviews with an organization that I would LOVE to work for. I honestly can't recall a job that I have ever wanted more. This is basically my dream scenario, because it combines my past experience and expertise in nonprofit and public policy, and my passion for certain social issues that are extremely important to me. 

I began the process with this organization back at the end of April, and since that time have met with 8 different people at the organization, the last of which was the Executive Director. The more people that I talked to, the more I wanted the job.  Everyone was just so......likeable! Plus, the organization seemed to facilitate my appreciation for all things random. In addition the the Zombie Apocalypse interview question and the light sabers in the conference room, this week's interviews included the scooters parked in the conference room, my would-be-boss showing up carrying a dodge ball, and a conversation with the Executive Director about the Wu Tang Clan and the movie Step Brothers. Seriously?!?!?! Dream Job. I could not have imagined the interview going better, but I also don't know how many people they are bringing through the process. I am cautiously optimistic, and dangerously hopeful that I will receive an offer sometime next week.

One of the things that I appreciate most, is that the Executive Director mentioned during our conversation that the reason they had me meet with so many people was in part to make sure that I had the skills and smarts to do the job, but also to make sure that I fit in with the group dynamic, and that I was likeable. To me, that speaks volumes about the team atmosphere, and positive energy of the organization, and I truly hope that I can be a part of it.

Perspectives

I am a pretty tough cookie overall, not super easily rattled, thick skin, like challenges, etc.  That said, I am a total princess when it comes to acceptable temperature ranges.  I am extremely temperature sensitive. My house needs to be between 68 and 72 degrees or I die. Anything less than 68, and I will be bundled under a blanket wearing mittens, and anything over 72, and I will be naked, covered in sweat, sucking on ice cubes. Outdoor temperature are somewhat more manageable for me, based on wind speed, percipitation, available clothing options, and the like.

Yesterday was a doozie here in NYC. It was 95 degrees with 55% humidity. Like a moron, I took the dog on a walk in the morning, thinking it would be manageable. It was so humid that the rocks were glossy with condensation. Against my better judgement, we completed our normal 5 mile hike, and were ridiculously grateful when we made it back home and into our air conditioned apartment. Not more than 2 hours later, the air conditioning kicked off, and I couldn't get it back on. DAMN! I turned off all the lights in the apartment, turned on both fans, and kept the windows closed to try trap in the cool air. This was a worst case scenario to me.

Then, a bit later, I was checking up on Facebook and saw this status: "It is HOT. That is all."  It was from my friend from elementary school that is currently in Afghanistan. Aaannddd that my friends, is some perspective. The heat in Iraq was described in a book I read (by a Veteran) as getting dressed up in basically a snow suit, packing on 60 extra pounds, getting into a black car in Arizona in the middle of the summer, driving to a parking lot, rolling up all the windows, and turning on the heat. I guess I can be grateful for only 95 degrees, an apartment sheltered from the sun, a few fans, and the ability to contain some cool air.  I love perspective, because it upends my attitude every single time.

Father's Day

Yesterday was Father's Day which means mandatory grilling. Unfortunately, my dad, the master griller, was 1200 miles away, and J's grilling expereince is limited to turning on the propane. I don't know that he has ever flipped a burger in his life. Maybe that experience will come when he is actually a dad....

Fortunately for us, J's partner from work invited us to come out to Long Island, along with his other teammate and his wife, and the 6 of us spent the day on the patio, enjoying the sun, sangria, and all sorts of grill-ables. I love Long Island. I haven't seen that many trees since we left Wisconsin almost a year ago. It was so nice to get out of the city for a day, and spend time getting to know new friends.

That said, by around 4pm, J and I had both most certainly contracted skin cancer. We are SO burnt! I have this awesome 1/2 leg burn that formed around the leg that was crossed over the top of it, and J looks like he dipped his face in red paint. We look ridiculous.  I tried to take a picture, but the glare coming off of my leg didn't photograph well. :(  This is not us, but one of the best sunburn pictures I have ever seen:

Today I got the word that I have a final interview tomorrow with the organization that I have been in process with. I am excited, nervous, and trying to remain optimistic. In an attempt to find a witty meme to accompany the ever-exciting job interview portion of my blog post, I stumbled across this winner, which has nothing to do with my job, but made me LOL.

And now, a couple of miscellaneous things that made me laugh today:

Where do I go From Here?

I am in the

stage that I mentioned yesterday. Lame.  I think I actually cried in my sleep last night....there was some kind of dream happening, and I don't remember any of it, but I remember being really sad.

During this last 2WW, I picked up a Father's Day card for my DH, with the hope that this year, it wouldn't just be from the dog.....unfortunately, there was no baby to add to the card, but dear sweeet Popeye was SO proud to deliver the card to his dad. He walked over to the couch with his chest puffed out and the card in his mouth like he was delivering the crown jewels.  DH loved it. :)

I wish there was a way to make this post funny, but seriously I feel like shit, so instead, this is a vent about infertility. I can't even put my feelings into words properly. I am pissed. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am annoyed. I just feel numb. But far, far back in the corner of my mind, I still have a sliver of hope.  I wish I could make that sliver of hope grow bigger...to where it pushed out some of the sadness, some of the frustration.....but I don't know how. I am thinking about joining a support group at my RE's office. Being in this holding pattern before treatment, knowing that the odds are against us, but not doing anything to make them better is challenging for me.  I KNOW that someday I will be a mother. I don't know how soon, or how far into the future that might be.  I don't know how that family will come to be. But I KNOW that it will happen.  I am sure of the destination, but the journey to get there is really f'ed up. :(

Two of my friends, Kelly and Kristy, have shared this video on their blogs.  They are two of the strongest women I know, and I am humbled by the way that they have both faced extremely difficult circumstances.  But I think this video sums up perfectly what all of us hope for, so I wanted to share it with you as well.

no, No, NO!

First of all, SORRY for the giant all o' text that was my last post! I didn't realize until much later that what I had probably given you was nothing more than a migraine. :(  Lesson learned....that was a big fat NO!

Also, in the big fat NO category was my HPT this morning.  As I mentioned, today was test day for me.  I am really beyond the point of expecting anything anymore, but I still allow myself to hope just a little bit. And then the same thing happens every.single.month......BFN. And then I am pissed at myself for hoping.  I feel like the damn  test is screaming at me:

And this is how I feel........

And later I will be like.......

And then most likely, tomorrow I will be like......

And then we start the whole cycle all over again. Last time we talked about it, DH and I decided that we would proceed with IUI in August, or two cycles after I start working, whichever came first. In the back of my mind, I was hoping that it would happen without getting to that point...and maybe it still will.  My RE was ready to do IUI two cycles ago, but DH wanted to keep trying on our own, and I was ok with that for the time being. Now, here we are about to kick off cycle 15/month 18, and I am ready to move on. 2 more cycles.......

Best Evers....

I had a few best evers this week that I felt compelled to share.

1) Best ever interview question.  I had a 3,4,5, and 6th interview (all rolled into one day) at this place that I have been in the interview process with since April. That, my friends, is not the part I am referring to as the best ever. However, during the course of the day, a couple of amazing things happened.  The first was the following interview question: "If you woke up tomorrow and it was the Zombie Apocalypse, what two weapons would you use to protect your family, and why."  This is not a joke.  This was an actual question, that they wanted an actual answer to.  First, both myself and the interviewer laughed.  Then we had a brief, but important discussion about whether I needed to choose offensive weapons or could consider defensive tactics in my answer as well.  I forgot to ask whether actual weapons and fictional weapons were all fair game. :(  I finally settled on a Doomsday Prepper style bunker, fully stocked with survival supplies for a year, and napalm, to wipe out a large number of zombies at one time, while still keeping me far enough removed to not have to witness much blood and gore. This interview question alone was amazing, but it was shortly afterwards that I noticed 2 light sabers sitting in the corner of the conference room, which only served to increase the awesome factor. While there is no explanation for the randomness that occured, I really, really like it.

2)  Best ever dog interaction.  I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but ever since we moved, my dog has been having a hard time with anxiety.  He is a huge 95lb. beast of a dog that gets startled when a garbage truck goes by, doesn't understand how dog territory works in an apartment building, and refused to poop anywhere but grass for the first 2 months we lived here.....which proved interesting since the nearest grass is 3 blocks away.  Needless to say, it has been an adjustment.  The whole dog-territory thing has been the most challenging.  As a German Shepherd, whose natural instict is to protect a defined territory or person/people, he really struggled with what space was "his".  Was it just our apartment?  Our floor?  The whole building?  What about the area in front of the building?? OY! SO CONFUSING!  He has been very leary of other dogs being in this enormous gray area of territory.  While he gets along fabulously with other dogs, this has been a whole new ballgame.  The other night however, we went outside, and some of our building canines were hanging out with their owners in front of the building. Miniature Schnauzer, Pittbull, German Shepherd, and Boxer, all gathered together like a happy family.....and I feared that Popeye was on his way to ruin the party, but I wanted to see if he could keep  it together. As always, I had a pocket full of delicious treats, specifically for situations like this one.  We made it outside, and he immediately barked once, but I quickly corrected him and asked him to sit.  I got him to calm down, every few minutes making sure I still had his attention, and giving him a treat.  Within 10 minutes, he was calm and went to sniff and meet all of the other dogs!  No barking!  No scuffles! YAHOO!!!  In fact, within 20 minutes, he was having fun playing and wrestling with the Pitbull. Seriously, best dog interaction ever!!

3)  Best workout ever.  Ok....not really ever, but in the last year.  I have been dying to get back to the gym.  I literally stopped going a year ago when our lives were upended to move accross the country.  At this point last year, my husband was gone for 5 months of training, I was on my own, renovating our house, packing, searching for apartments, preparing for the move, and basically losing my mind.  While I realize that getting to the gym would have been cathartic, it just didn't happen.  So here we are a year later, and I had determined that if I didn't get into a gym, stat, that I would likely shrivel up and die.  So on Tuesday I took advantage of a 30 days for $30 deal at a local gym and went in for my first workout.  Obviously it wasn't really my best workout ever, because it was the first one in a long time, but damn, feeling the burn was awesome.  I did 40 minutes  on the Precor, followed by free weights. I am still sore today, and I fricking love it.

It was a good week overall.....however.....

Tomorrow is test day.  Doomsday.  If I even make it that far. This is our 14th cycle/17th month trying to get pregnant. I am burnt the F out....but giving up isn't an option.  I am 31. I want children. I have next to no control over how effective all of this trying is, and while I want more than anything to be pregnant, after all of this time, it also scares me. I haven't talked much on here about our infertility or my TTC journey, because I honestly feel like it is at a stand-still right now.  We know what the problem is (kind of - Unexplained Infertility), we know what we should do if we want to increase our odds, and we are knowingly NOT doing that right now while we save up money for treatments, and try to get my job situation locked up. As things progress, I am sure I will have more to say, but at the moment, I have been embracing the "nothingness" of NOT doing treatments, NOT charting, and NOT wondering if there is any damn thing in this world that I could do differently to change my situation.  I am just being, and for now, I like it.

Things I don't understand....

1) Fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt.  Are there yogurt-eaters that actually prefer that their fruit remains at the bottom?  I thought it was pretty standard to stir your yogurt prior to consumtion....am I wrong about this? I feel like it was an idea by lazy manufacturers to just throw the stuff in the cup and then frame it as some brilliant idea.

2) Knee-socks. Is there any legitimate reason that athletic socks need to go up to your knees?  I am not referring to knee socks that are worn while playing soccer - that is functional. I am referring to sporting knee-high tube socks for casual wear.  I refuse to believe that it is comfortable and I am certain that it is not stylish.

3)  Labeling bags of sugary cereal with over-hyped "10 whole grains per serving" labels, or similar.  I am not convinced that people buying sugary cereal that is full of marshmallows or frosting, etc., are highly motivated by a "10 whole grains" label.

4) British people - no matter how assholey - automatically sound more classy and refined than any American.  They can be telling you to go f' yourself, and make you want to do it, because they sound so damn charming.   Unrelated to my point, but related to the Brits....has anyone seen SophiaGrace and Rosie?  These girls are the cutest little peanuts, super talented, and are full of sass. I LOVE it.  Watch Here. and Here.

5)  Guys and video games.  Not much more to say on that one....

Firsts

Today, I experienced several firsts:

* The first time I have witnessed a drug deal go down in the park near my house, while simultaneously hoping that I remained physically ambiguous enough to not be recognized in the future. I don't think it was anything hard core, because they were pricing whatever they were selling at $50 and didn't seem too concerned that an innocent looking girl with a huge mean-ass looking dog were walking by at the same time.

*  The first time I have ever been spoken to by a Hasidic Jew. I am totally serious about this being a big deal to me.  I currently live in a very diverse neighborhood, and back home, I grew up always smiling or saying hi to people when I passed them on the sidewalk.  I started getting super paranoid because the Jewish people that I would walk past would never respond, and have even crossed to the complete opposite side of the street.  I was wondering if I had a total bitch-face and didn't know it, or if it was something culturally that I wasn't aware of that prevented them from talking to me. I seriously have been doing research and haven't come up with an answer yet, but I feel like when I walk through the neighborhood, I am wearing a big "I'm a goy" sign on my forehead. I'm not offended, just super curious.  Today, however a Jewish woman had a short, but friendly conversation with me about my dog, and it made me ridiculously happy!  I intentionally live in one of the most diverse neighborhoods around, and I am sincerely interested in learning more about my neighbors, so this was a big step!

*  I got my first UTI. And that, my friends, sucks a bag of dicks. I will be consuming cranberry juice like it is going out of style, and hoping that in the relatively near future, I don't feel like I am holding a pee while also having someone stand on my gut. 

*  First time I agreed to go to the beach since I balooned up like the Michelin Man. I don't f'ing care. I will be a chubby chick at the beach, and anyone who has a problem can suck it! 

6/6/12 Czyk List

I failed. I skipped the White Party.  Social anxiety got the best of me, and I didn't go. Oy vey, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I think I replay a worst case scenario in my mind and then talk myself out of social situations.  Like, I go, and don't know anyone, and nobody talks to me, so I stand in the corner by myself all night, and then I spill a drink on my white outfit, and am forced to ride the subway home covered with a drink from a party that  I shouldn't have gone to. See what I did there...?  Of course I don't want to go to that lame party!! This is totally me:

I have never pretend-played with my phone more in my life than I have at social functions where I don't know anyone.

J was gone all weekend again, and once again I watched far too much crappy TV, and daydreamed about being back home near my family, instead of here, where I know more dogs than people.  And to that point, you know that things have gone south when the longest coversation you have over the course of the weekend is with a dog.  Popeye is fully aware that I would like to lose about 20 pounds, thought Season 2 of Glee was disappointing, and that I would for real make out with Tom Hardy if given the opportunity. I am sure these are his feelings on the matter:

Overall, I am just waiting and hoping for something in life to make a turn for the better......getting a job would be awesome, as would getting pregnant, making more friends, or being able to swing a trip back home. I am not depressed, but I am definitely verging on crazy....

5/31/12 Czyk List

Clean my apartment
Put together an outfit for the White Party
Walk the dog
Finish reading Pride and Prejudice
Figure out if liposuction is in the budget
Lunch with friends
Find a way to get Bieber tickets

Oy. My apartment is COVERED in dog hair. Yes, I realize that this is absolutely disgusting. It does not negate the fact that I vacuumed every square inch only 3 days ago, and that my dog produces fur like he is getting paid for it. While watching Hatfield's and McCoy's the other day, a gigantic dog-fur tumbleweed came rolling accross the floor, and for a moment it all seemed fitting and acceptable.....and then the show ended and it was just gross again. :(

This weekend my friend K and her roommates are hosting a P-Diddy style white party. (See picture for reference).  The only rule, is that you can only wear white. Since white tends to visually add poundage, I tend to stay far away from it. So I have a choice.....either buck up, wear white, and come to the party, OR stay at home on a Saturday night.  Thus....I am on a mission to find some white attire......

Also on the agenda today is a lunch with friends from my former job. The job that I wish I could erase from my memory completely. I love the people that I worked with, but I hate that we are bonded by what has been for most of us a horrible life experience that we were forced to prolong either by necessity or fear, or lack of other options. Sorry to pull the trump card, but this job was hands-down the WORST job I have ever had, or ever heard of anyone having, and the memory of it still makes me develop migraines and hives. :(  So, I am going, and hoping that the job-that-shall-not-be-named does NOT come up during the course of our lively conversation.

Sorry that today's post has become even more of a random playlist of things that people do not at all care about. Should I also tell you that I have sunburn on my shoulders? My nail polish is chipping?  I need to shave my legs?  All enthralling information, I am sure.  Bottom line is that I cannot possibly produce a worthy czyk list everyday, because my life is simply not that interesting. In fact, the most interesting thing about my morning so far, is that I realized not only that I was out of coffee creamer, but that I was able to actually finish a cup of black coffee with a little bit of sugar. I wish I were proud of that, but I am ashamed. Grown ups drink black coffee, and I'll be damned if I get lumped into that category. :(  

So my goal is to create an overall czyk list of things that I want to accomplish over time, and check them off as they occur. If anyone has any ideas of what to add, feel free to contribute.  Some of my ideas thus far:

  *  Go red (haircolor that is)

  * Rock a bikini

  *  Visit Seattle

  *  Go to dinner ALONE

  * Have an epic celebrity sighting

  *  Actually wear my Oscar de la Renta heels out somewhere

More to come.....coffee still kicking in......list still in development.  As I said, I am also open to suggestions!

5/28/12 Czyk List

I have been AWOL, but with good reason.  My roommate from college was in town for the weekend, and we had lots of activities planned. Sidebar: everytime I hear the word "activities" I think of the movie Step Brothers and doing karate in the garage. 

In any case......I had so much freaking fun, I have spent all day today recovering.  Yesterday we went on a champagne brunch cruise on a schooner on the Hudson.  We spent a few hours cruising out past the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island, while sipping on mimosas and taking in an absolutely amazing day. Being on the water is my "happy place." 

Later in the evening we decided we wanted to go to a rooftop bar, so my friend could take in some views of the city. On our walk through midtown, we decided to stop at Joe Fresh, which is a clothing store that just opened. It was near closing time and the staff were really awesome. Like we could have been friends in real life. The music was banging, we were the only people in the store, and it became obvious that we needed to have a walk-off.  For those of you that don't know, a  walk off is like a dance-off that occurs on an imaginary runway of sorts. I went first. I wasn't totally in the groove, but I pulled out a few moves reminiscent of Saturday Night Fever and was not too disappointed with my performance.  My friend K followed, and admittedly had superior moves.  It was like a combo of MJ and Chris Brown rolled into one.  I should note that at this point, the collective staff had gathered around both levels of the store to watch the walk-off. I am not exaggerating when I say it was about 30 people all around the balcony and main floor. The pressure was on. K's roommate E TOTALLY threw down.  It was amazing.  She pulled out the moonwalk, the side-moonwalk and the worm and it was totally effortless. The entire staff broke out into applause.  Yes, there we were, in Joe Fresh at 10:30pm on a Sunday, having a walk-off.

We headed out, still on a mission to get to the rooftop bar. (Bear in mind, that at this point, no one had had anything to drink yet....)  As we passed Lord & Taylor, E noticed that one of thebig display windows had no glass in it. Naturally, this was an opportunity to pretend to be a manneqin in the window of one of the high- end department stores on Fifth Ave.  E and K both climbed into the window to pose, and A and I took photos and lured unsuspecting tourists towards the window, where E and K jumped and scared the shiit out of people. HI-LARIOUS. Yes, I am 31 years old, and found this funny.

We eventually made it to the rooftop bar and had the best time, making it home sober by 1am. The moral of this story is that having fun is a state of mind, and the 30's can kiss my ass. A little drinky-drinky can be a good time for sure, but so can being sober with people that don't take themselves too seriously and enjoy the hell out of life.  I can be 30-something, with responsibilities, and still have a good time.  I hope that NEVER changes.

My czyk list today only contained one item:

Relax and recover from the weekend.

Done and done.

5/20/12 Czyk List

As per usual, I wasn't able to check everything off my list yesterday. I was overtaken by updating my goodreads bookshelves, catching up on Facebook gossip, and watching back-to-back episodes of My Ghost Story. I did manage to get in a 5 mile hike with the dog, which my ever-expanding ass surely thinks me for.

Today's agenda is short, but critical.  Living in an apartment in Queens has presented a few challenges that I have never had to face before. The first of which is sparce nearby parking and the prerequisite planning before bringing any heavy or large purchase home. There are metered parking spaces in front of my building, but because I live on a relatively busy street, the spaces are almost always full.  The "Queens way" is to simply double-park people in, turn on your four-ways, and do whatever the hell you want, but my constant fear of someone running into my car (not a far stretch, by the way), have prevented me from participating in this practice.

 In any case, we ran out of dog food this week, so I went and picked up our regular 35 pound bag from Petco. Usually, I make J lug the bag back to the apartment, but since he was out of town for work, that wasn't an option.  There were no metered spots in front of the building, and traffic was a bit too heavy to even consider the double-park manuver. So I went to plan B.....which was to leave the dog food in the car for as long as it took to either secure a spot in front, or have J home to carry it in. It has now been 3 days.  Don't worry, my dog has eaten, thanks to the Mexican grocery on the corner which happens to carry a moderate selection of dog food. I am sure my dog is thrilled to have enjoyed an entire weekend of junkfood for dogs.

Today's Checklist:

*  Bring in dog food
*  Do laundry (down to 2 towels)
*  Clean the apartment
*  Funfetti cake??
*  Finally introduce myself to the guy that own the Mexican grocery
*  Come up with more interesting damn checklist items. B-O-R-I-N-G

Isn't there a saying about doing something every day that scares you? Yeah, double parking in Queens scares me, but I am trying to think bigger here.....

5/19/12 Czyk list

** This Blog hiatus, brought to you in part by an infertility-induced meltdown**

Wow. Epic fail already.  Within a week of starting to blog, I wind up locked to my couch wearing sweatpants, eating cookies, and watching entirely too much bad reality TV.

As I mentioned in my intro post, J and I are seemingly dealing with infertility. I guess "seemingly" isn't the right word, because it has officially been diagnosed (as Unexplained Infertility), but I can't really wrap my head around it sometimes so I just don't talk about it. Andplusalso, the stigma behind Unexplained Infertility is that "nothing is really wrong" because medical testing cannot determine the cause of the infertility. For those interested, here is the summary. 

Long story short, we are just starting our 17th month/14th cycle of trying to get pregnant, and after all necessary testing, and working with a Reproductive Endocrinologist who is absolutely fantastic, we were told that our chances of conceiving naturally at this point were about 4% each month, and that our best chance of getting pregnant would be through IUI. A very few select close friends know about this, as well as a couple of close family members, but because I had some less-than-understanding reactions earlier on when we were undergoing testing, I have been gun-shy about sharing.  On one hand, it is nobody's business, but on the other hand, there is already such a stigma around infertility, I feel like being open about it might help combat that.

So the other night, in the midst of a conversation with my mom about when I would be able to go back to my hometown (1200 miles from where I am now), I decided to bite the bullet and tell her that it was somewhat riding on what happened with IUI, etc. because of both the time and expense associated with that. After spilling my guts, her response was "Ok, well good luck with that." OUCH. Not sure what I was expecting, but not that. This was followed by a long argument with J about if we are really ready to move forward, how he refuses to believe that anything is actually wrong (double OUCH), and on and on with the end result being me feeling super alone and wanting to remain in a blanket cocoon with ice cream and an iPod full of sad music. 

I should add that this has all been paired with the fact that after 2 awesome interviews with a great organization, and the request for availability for a 3rd interview..........I got dropped like a hot potato. No phone call, no response to my follow-up message, nothing. I don't understand why they would tell me they wanted to bring me back for an additional interview, get a list of good days, and then never call. Mind = blown. I guess I am still hanging on to a shred of hope, since I really want this job, but obviously that is probably foolish. It has been over a week and a half since my last interview.

I wish my checklist for today were more exciting, but here it is:

*  Do the laundry that hasn't been done all week.
*  Clean the apartment.
*  Walk the dog.
*  Try to stave off the drinking shits that are bound to surface after last night. :(
*  Job search.

Awesome Saturday, if I say so myself. ;)

5/7/12 Czyk list

Well, my checklist yesterday was a bit of a fail.  I made it to the mall, but cleaning and interview prep didn't happen.  I was too busy watching Long Island Medium and sipping on cake flavored vodka and pineapple juice. :(  FWIW, I almost never drink....I can count on one hand the number of drinks I've had in the last year.....until I found the cake flavored vodka. Oy vey. It is so good!

In any case, my mall trip was a good one. I got 2 work appropriate tops....neither of which I can find pictures for, so unfortunately I can't give you any opportunity to talk into wearing something else. ;)  I usually go pretty conservative with an interview suit, and throw some personality into the top or jewelry. I feel like if I go too conservative it would be false advertisement, but if I show too much personality, I might scare them away. ;) I also took my OCD/Type A self for a spin by doing a practice run to the building where my interview is.  In NYC, it is pretty critical to scope out the nearest Metro stations, Google-map the building, and Hopstop  directions, or you could be up a creek without a  paddle.  Half of the buildings don't even have addresses, and all I needed was to be sitting on a curb crying somewhere because I couldn't find my interview.  All is well with the world however, I found it, and am ready to roll!

Today's checklist was pretty short, but I checked everything off!

Spend all day trying to get the husband home from OOT
Wash towels
Watch Ghost Whisperer
Take dog to daycare
Practice Interview
Try to determine the source of the foul odor in my living room

My husband went on a little weekend excursion with some friends from back home, and because my parents are awesome and worked for the airlines for over 40 years, we have some pretty phenomenal travel benefits.  That said, we always fly standby, and unfortunately today, standby wasn't cutting it.  Every last flight out was oversold, and there were dozens of people waiting on standby. I literally spent about 6 hours trying to re-list flights, find long-shot openings re-routed through other cities, and get the dear boy on a flight.  Alas, the saving grace was a delayed flight to Memphis that had several seats open up due to the late takeoff. He didn't make it home tonight, but honestly, who doesn't want to spend the night in Memphis, home of The King? He'll be home tomorrow, and I am pretty stoked.

Finally however, while I tried to determine the source of the foul odor in my living room,  I was not able to nail it down.  For now, I am blaming the dog. :(

5/6/12 Czyk List

• Morning Poop
• Prepare for Job Interview
• Mall
• Clean Apartment
• Download Smut Novel
• Daydream about Jake Gyllenhall

As you can see, my day thus far has been productive. It's still early, so stop judging.

I am happy to report that I have a job interview this week that I am actually really excited about.  As much as I wish I could get behind my husband being my sugar daddy, I am one of those weirdos that actually likes to work, so job search, I must.  I was really stoked when I got called for a 2nd interview this week. An added perk is that Steven Colbert (who I love) has a connection to the organization I would like to work for.  If you haven't seen this clip from Friends with Candy, you must watch! In an effort to impress the higher-ups, today I am off to the mall to try to piece together a look worthy of an important interview.  Keeping my fingers, toes, legs, and eyes crossed that I can pull it off!

Tomorrow my husband is coming home from a trip with friends to New Orleans, city of blues, jambalaya, and the ever popular boobs-for-beads trade. Last night I got a text message saying that it was hot down there and I can only hope that this was in reference to the weather. :)  In my attempt to not be a total failure as a stay-at-home-wife, I also need to clean, do laundry, and try to stock our refrigerator, since it currently contains only leftover Chinese food, BBQ sauce, and a bottle of Cake flavored vodka that I bought last night. :(

In closing, a visual aid, to help you daydream about Jake Gyllenhall today as well;

                                               

My Czyk List

Why hello there! If you are reading this, it is probably because you are sitting in your sweats on a Saturday, maybe drinking coffee, watching bad TV, and feeling a bit bored with the direction your day is going.  I am here to tell you that this blog will not help turn your day around. :P

I overuse emoticons. I use swears as nouns, verbs, adjectives, and adverbs. I judge people that drive Hummers. I talk freely about poop. I cry watching YouTube videos.  I know at least 15 different names for the vagina.  And I am an open book.

So why the Czyk List?

When I got married almost 5 years ago, I had this spectacular 5-year plan all laid out, which, I can safely say, has gone to shit. While, in all fairness, I did scratch a few things off the list, I can't say that I was remotely close to successful.  What is it that they say about the best-laid plans??  This was my checklist: 

• Buy House
• Finish Grad School
• Get dog
• Find Awesome Job
• Have Baby
• Take Yearly Vacations

This is what WASN'T on my checklist, that has subsequently been checked off:

• Move accross the country
• Live in a small apartment in a big city
• Find terrible job that made me want to barf on a daily basis
• Quit said job, and be unemployed
• Be infertile

So here I am, 5 years later, taking things a day at a time, and creating new checklists as I go. To make things a little more interesting, I am hereby taking requests for items to put on my checklist.  When applicable, I will post photos of your suggestions being checked off my list. Thanks for subjecting yourself to the black hole that is my life!

Note: For the sake of clarification, my blog title "Czyk List" is a nod to my spectacularly Polish last name, not a horrific spelling error.