That was the call I got from my RE clinic the other day. Actually, it was more like, "Hi! So, you got your Infertility diagnosis and treatment plan 4 months ago....are you going to do anything about it?" And sadly, (very sadly) my answer was "No, we are not." Honestly it was crushing to have to call the clinic back and tell them that at this point, we just can't. Especially since in my mind, I am thinking "Yes!! Yes we want to do it! We will do whatever it takes!"
I have been in such a good place with things lately. Despite our best-laid plans going terribly wrong, I have had a new job to focus on, I have been spending time with friends, I have been working out like a fiend and trying to lose some weight, and had convinced myself that I was totally ok. And then the call came, and I realized that I am not. I can be good, push infertility out of my mind for days at a time, and then the smallest thing happens that sends me into a spiral again. I never would have thought that here we would be, 20 months into this process with no baby, no positive pregnancy test, and no idea at all when our time will come. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
That said, I am SO SO thankful for some of the amazing people that I have met along the way...the ones that understand....that can let me be sad, but also remind me to not give up.
I realize that this song has nothing to do with infertility, but Greg Laswell is a man after my own heart, and this song kind of sums up what I feel like at the moment...... It Comes and Goes in Waves
Monday, August 27, 2012
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Growing up, Growing out
Not sure if anyone is even still reading this, since I have done such a crappy job of updating, but I am trying to get back into the swing of things, so here I am.
First, the growing up part. Sometimes I love it, and sometimes I hate it. I love that I have a job that I care a lot about. I love that what I do is making a difference for people. I love feeling like I am contributing something positive to the world. I hate paying bills. I hate getting older, and chubbier and more cynical. I hate that half of the bands I grew up listening to are totally obselete. :P I vividly remember being like 16 and being SO impatient to get older, have my parents off my ass, and be able to call the shots. Sadly, now that I actually AM older, I wish that my parents were around more, and someone else is still calling the shots, so 16-year-old-self; How do you like them apples?
As for the growing out part....I hope that is reversible. I finally decided about a week and a half ago that for as often as I complained about the fact that I was getting fat, I did very little about it. Complaining is easier than exercising. :P SO, I finally smacked some sense into myself and signed up for MyFitnessPal, began tracking all of my food and exercise, and have been finishing under my calorie goal every day! I haven't really seen much by way of results yet, but I am proud of myself for doing it. I have also done some form of work out for 8 of the last 11 days. J started doing P90X with me, and it is kicking my ass, but I am confident that someday I will be able to do all of the videos. I love feeling the burn!
SO - that was probably among the most lame and pointless updates I have posted, but if you are still reading this blog, you must like me at least a little bit, and will consider letting this one slide. :)
First, the growing up part. Sometimes I love it, and sometimes I hate it. I love that I have a job that I care a lot about. I love that what I do is making a difference for people. I love feeling like I am contributing something positive to the world. I hate paying bills. I hate getting older, and chubbier and more cynical. I hate that half of the bands I grew up listening to are totally obselete. :P I vividly remember being like 16 and being SO impatient to get older, have my parents off my ass, and be able to call the shots. Sadly, now that I actually AM older, I wish that my parents were around more, and someone else is still calling the shots, so 16-year-old-self; How do you like them apples?
As for the growing out part....I hope that is reversible. I finally decided about a week and a half ago that for as often as I complained about the fact that I was getting fat, I did very little about it. Complaining is easier than exercising. :P SO, I finally smacked some sense into myself and signed up for MyFitnessPal, began tracking all of my food and exercise, and have been finishing under my calorie goal every day! I haven't really seen much by way of results yet, but I am proud of myself for doing it. I have also done some form of work out for 8 of the last 11 days. J started doing P90X with me, and it is kicking my ass, but I am confident that someday I will be able to do all of the videos. I love feeling the burn!
SO - that was probably among the most lame and pointless updates I have posted, but if you are still reading this blog, you must like me at least a little bit, and will consider letting this one slide. :)
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Public Transportation
I have been terrible about blogging, so for those of you that check in, I am sorry that I haven't had anythig new in awhile! With my new job in full swing, I am having a hard time balancing everything else on my to-do list!
Now that I am back to commuting on the regular, I have been celebrating all of the joys of public transportation. This last week held some of most awful public transportation situations rolled into a 7-day period. First, there was the guy next to me on the bus who grunted literally the whole trip. It sounded like a perpetual clearing of the throat, combined with a growl, and was both frightening and distracting. Then, I got on the subway and had a guy fall asleep on my shoulder. I was in a middle seat and tried to move away, but I couldn't get too far. He didn't wake up, just dozed on my shoulder until I could free myself. Later in the week, the subway was PACKED because it was raining outside. I made it on, but was positioned directly under the armpit of someone that had just worked a full day without deoderant. The odor was horrible, but again, I had nowhere to go. Adding insult to injury, the train stopped because there was a medical emergency on board, so there we were, packed like sardines and stopped for almost 20 minutes, while I tried desperately to avoid the armpit of doom.
Yesterday, I was supposed to be flying home for a series of events that I was really looking forward to; the baby shower of a close friend, the wedding of another, and the birthdays of two of my nephews. I am really lucky to have access to extremely discounted travelby flying standby, but after yesterday, I wonder if the benefits are even worth it.
Long story short, I didn't make it on the first flight, nor three flights following. Not one single customer service agent would help me....they kept shoving me off and giving me phone numbers to call, sending me to different service desks, etc., and then I would do that, and no one would help me there either. My cell phone died between the seemingly hundreds of calls home and to the customer service line (which was useless by the way). I then paid for iternet at the airport so that I could try to look up flight information on my own, but the airport was a dead zone, and I couldn't even use the iternet service that I paid for. Since I kept being shoved off to other areas, I literally hoofed it from one end of the airport to another 4 times, while lugging my heavy bags. By this point, I was so upset that no one from the airline would take even 5 minutes to give me any information or help me, that my patience had worn thin. After nine hours at the airport, I finally gave up and decided to go home. I hauled my stuff to the bus stop, only to get there and find that they had moved the bus stop. So, once again, I hauled my crap accross another terminal, and by the time I got out to the re-located bus stop it was pouring rain. Seriously the worst day I have had in a long time. For what it's worth, Delta will be recieving a phone call about how I was treated by the agents, and I NEVER call in complaints for anything.
Anywho.....an enthralling update I am sure. My basic message is that all of this disappointment led to the most delicious pepperoni and green olive pizza I have ever had, and as you may well know, pizza solves everything.
Now that I am back to commuting on the regular, I have been celebrating all of the joys of public transportation. This last week held some of most awful public transportation situations rolled into a 7-day period. First, there was the guy next to me on the bus who grunted literally the whole trip. It sounded like a perpetual clearing of the throat, combined with a growl, and was both frightening and distracting. Then, I got on the subway and had a guy fall asleep on my shoulder. I was in a middle seat and tried to move away, but I couldn't get too far. He didn't wake up, just dozed on my shoulder until I could free myself. Later in the week, the subway was PACKED because it was raining outside. I made it on, but was positioned directly under the armpit of someone that had just worked a full day without deoderant. The odor was horrible, but again, I had nowhere to go. Adding insult to injury, the train stopped because there was a medical emergency on board, so there we were, packed like sardines and stopped for almost 20 minutes, while I tried desperately to avoid the armpit of doom.
Yesterday, I was supposed to be flying home for a series of events that I was really looking forward to; the baby shower of a close friend, the wedding of another, and the birthdays of two of my nephews. I am really lucky to have access to extremely discounted travelby flying standby, but after yesterday, I wonder if the benefits are even worth it.
Long story short, I didn't make it on the first flight, nor three flights following. Not one single customer service agent would help me....they kept shoving me off and giving me phone numbers to call, sending me to different service desks, etc., and then I would do that, and no one would help me there either. My cell phone died between the seemingly hundreds of calls home and to the customer service line (which was useless by the way). I then paid for iternet at the airport so that I could try to look up flight information on my own, but the airport was a dead zone, and I couldn't even use the iternet service that I paid for. Since I kept being shoved off to other areas, I literally hoofed it from one end of the airport to another 4 times, while lugging my heavy bags. By this point, I was so upset that no one from the airline would take even 5 minutes to give me any information or help me, that my patience had worn thin. After nine hours at the airport, I finally gave up and decided to go home. I hauled my stuff to the bus stop, only to get there and find that they had moved the bus stop. So, once again, I hauled my crap accross another terminal, and by the time I got out to the re-located bus stop it was pouring rain. Seriously the worst day I have had in a long time. For what it's worth, Delta will be recieving a phone call about how I was treated by the agents, and I NEVER call in complaints for anything.
Anywho.....an enthralling update I am sure. My basic message is that all of this disappointment led to the most delicious pepperoni and green olive pizza I have ever had, and as you may well know, pizza solves everything.
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