Smorgasboard

Is that how the word is spelled?  If you aren't Scandanavian, you probably don't know, or care. Basically it just means a miscellaneous assortment of things - in this case, subject matters.

First, I would like to introduce you to this guy:

He lives inside my head between my eyebrows, and starts swinging that damn club around like a maniac everytime I am stressed, (as in, now).  My head is throbbing, and I just issued a cease and desist, but as you can see, angry troll doesn't pay much attention to such demands.

I am stressed the eff out because I recieved a cryptic phone message last Thursday from the organization I have been interviewing with. It basically said that they would be contacting me on Friday (last Friday), or very early this week to "discuss my candidacy as well as some other positions at the organization that we feel you may be suited for." GAH!  I am very open to options. I would LOVE to work for this organization. I am less open for debate on what constitues "very early" in the week. Thus, angry troll is swinging away in there and I am suffering through the aftermath.

Secondly....can we discuss this for a moment??

I fully admit that saying you are going to see this movie for the storyline is like saying you read Playboy for the articles.  I don't care. I fully admit that Friday cannot come soon enough. If this movie was being shown in Imax 3D, it would be even better.  As my dear friend Mary (happily married for more than 20 years) likes to say: "There's no harm in window shopping, as long as you don't bring anything into the dressing room to try it on." A-men. 

Likeability

This week I had my final interviews with an organization that I would LOVE to work for. I honestly can't recall a job that I have ever wanted more. This is basically my dream scenario, because it combines my past experience and expertise in nonprofit and public policy, and my passion for certain social issues that are extremely important to me. 

I began the process with this organization back at the end of April, and since that time have met with 8 different people at the organization, the last of which was the Executive Director. The more people that I talked to, the more I wanted the job.  Everyone was just so......likeable! Plus, the organization seemed to facilitate my appreciation for all things random. In addition the the Zombie Apocalypse interview question and the light sabers in the conference room, this week's interviews included the scooters parked in the conference room, my would-be-boss showing up carrying a dodge ball, and a conversation with the Executive Director about the Wu Tang Clan and the movie Step Brothers. Seriously?!?!?! Dream Job. I could not have imagined the interview going better, but I also don't know how many people they are bringing through the process. I am cautiously optimistic, and dangerously hopeful that I will receive an offer sometime next week.

One of the things that I appreciate most, is that the Executive Director mentioned during our conversation that the reason they had me meet with so many people was in part to make sure that I had the skills and smarts to do the job, but also to make sure that I fit in with the group dynamic, and that I was likeable. To me, that speaks volumes about the team atmosphere, and positive energy of the organization, and I truly hope that I can be a part of it.

Perspectives

I am a pretty tough cookie overall, not super easily rattled, thick skin, like challenges, etc.  That said, I am a total princess when it comes to acceptable temperature ranges.  I am extremely temperature sensitive. My house needs to be between 68 and 72 degrees or I die. Anything less than 68, and I will be bundled under a blanket wearing mittens, and anything over 72, and I will be naked, covered in sweat, sucking on ice cubes. Outdoor temperature are somewhat more manageable for me, based on wind speed, percipitation, available clothing options, and the like.

Yesterday was a doozie here in NYC. It was 95 degrees with 55% humidity. Like a moron, I took the dog on a walk in the morning, thinking it would be manageable. It was so humid that the rocks were glossy with condensation. Against my better judgement, we completed our normal 5 mile hike, and were ridiculously grateful when we made it back home and into our air conditioned apartment. Not more than 2 hours later, the air conditioning kicked off, and I couldn't get it back on. DAMN! I turned off all the lights in the apartment, turned on both fans, and kept the windows closed to try trap in the cool air. This was a worst case scenario to me.

Then, a bit later, I was checking up on Facebook and saw this status: "It is HOT. That is all."  It was from my friend from elementary school that is currently in Afghanistan. Aaannddd that my friends, is some perspective. The heat in Iraq was described in a book I read (by a Veteran) as getting dressed up in basically a snow suit, packing on 60 extra pounds, getting into a black car in Arizona in the middle of the summer, driving to a parking lot, rolling up all the windows, and turning on the heat. I guess I can be grateful for only 95 degrees, an apartment sheltered from the sun, a few fans, and the ability to contain some cool air.  I love perspective, because it upends my attitude every single time.

Father's Day

Yesterday was Father's Day which means mandatory grilling. Unfortunately, my dad, the master griller, was 1200 miles away, and J's grilling expereince is limited to turning on the propane. I don't know that he has ever flipped a burger in his life. Maybe that experience will come when he is actually a dad....

Fortunately for us, J's partner from work invited us to come out to Long Island, along with his other teammate and his wife, and the 6 of us spent the day on the patio, enjoying the sun, sangria, and all sorts of grill-ables. I love Long Island. I haven't seen that many trees since we left Wisconsin almost a year ago. It was so nice to get out of the city for a day, and spend time getting to know new friends.

That said, by around 4pm, J and I had both most certainly contracted skin cancer. We are SO burnt! I have this awesome 1/2 leg burn that formed around the leg that was crossed over the top of it, and J looks like he dipped his face in red paint. We look ridiculous.  I tried to take a picture, but the glare coming off of my leg didn't photograph well. :(  This is not us, but one of the best sunburn pictures I have ever seen:

Today I got the word that I have a final interview tomorrow with the organization that I have been in process with. I am excited, nervous, and trying to remain optimistic. In an attempt to find a witty meme to accompany the ever-exciting job interview portion of my blog post, I stumbled across this winner, which has nothing to do with my job, but made me LOL.

And now, a couple of miscellaneous things that made me laugh today:

Where do I go From Here?

I am in the

stage that I mentioned yesterday. Lame.  I think I actually cried in my sleep last night....there was some kind of dream happening, and I don't remember any of it, but I remember being really sad.

During this last 2WW, I picked up a Father's Day card for my DH, with the hope that this year, it wouldn't just be from the dog.....unfortunately, there was no baby to add to the card, but dear sweeet Popeye was SO proud to deliver the card to his dad. He walked over to the couch with his chest puffed out and the card in his mouth like he was delivering the crown jewels.  DH loved it. :)

I wish there was a way to make this post funny, but seriously I feel like shit, so instead, this is a vent about infertility. I can't even put my feelings into words properly. I am pissed. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am annoyed. I just feel numb. But far, far back in the corner of my mind, I still have a sliver of hope.  I wish I could make that sliver of hope grow bigger...to where it pushed out some of the sadness, some of the frustration.....but I don't know how. I am thinking about joining a support group at my RE's office. Being in this holding pattern before treatment, knowing that the odds are against us, but not doing anything to make them better is challenging for me.  I KNOW that someday I will be a mother. I don't know how soon, or how far into the future that might be.  I don't know how that family will come to be. But I KNOW that it will happen.  I am sure of the destination, but the journey to get there is really f'ed up. :(

Two of my friends, Kelly and Kristy, have shared this video on their blogs.  They are two of the strongest women I know, and I am humbled by the way that they have both faced extremely difficult circumstances.  But I think this video sums up perfectly what all of us hope for, so I wanted to share it with you as well.

no, No, NO!

First of all, SORRY for the giant all o' text that was my last post! I didn't realize until much later that what I had probably given you was nothing more than a migraine. :(  Lesson learned....that was a big fat NO!

Also, in the big fat NO category was my HPT this morning.  As I mentioned, today was test day for me.  I am really beyond the point of expecting anything anymore, but I still allow myself to hope just a little bit. And then the same thing happens every.single.month......BFN. And then I am pissed at myself for hoping.  I feel like the damn  test is screaming at me:

And this is how I feel........

And later I will be like.......

And then most likely, tomorrow I will be like......

And then we start the whole cycle all over again. Last time we talked about it, DH and I decided that we would proceed with IUI in August, or two cycles after I start working, whichever came first. In the back of my mind, I was hoping that it would happen without getting to that point...and maybe it still will.  My RE was ready to do IUI two cycles ago, but DH wanted to keep trying on our own, and I was ok with that for the time being. Now, here we are about to kick off cycle 15/month 18, and I am ready to move on. 2 more cycles.......

Best Evers....

I had a few best evers this week that I felt compelled to share.

1) Best ever interview question.  I had a 3,4,5, and 6th interview (all rolled into one day) at this place that I have been in the interview process with since April. That, my friends, is not the part I am referring to as the best ever. However, during the course of the day, a couple of amazing things happened.  The first was the following interview question: "If you woke up tomorrow and it was the Zombie Apocalypse, what two weapons would you use to protect your family, and why."  This is not a joke.  This was an actual question, that they wanted an actual answer to.  First, both myself and the interviewer laughed.  Then we had a brief, but important discussion about whether I needed to choose offensive weapons or could consider defensive tactics in my answer as well.  I forgot to ask whether actual weapons and fictional weapons were all fair game. :(  I finally settled on a Doomsday Prepper style bunker, fully stocked with survival supplies for a year, and napalm, to wipe out a large number of zombies at one time, while still keeping me far enough removed to not have to witness much blood and gore. This interview question alone was amazing, but it was shortly afterwards that I noticed 2 light sabers sitting in the corner of the conference room, which only served to increase the awesome factor. While there is no explanation for the randomness that occured, I really, really like it.

2)  Best ever dog interaction.  I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but ever since we moved, my dog has been having a hard time with anxiety.  He is a huge 95lb. beast of a dog that gets startled when a garbage truck goes by, doesn't understand how dog territory works in an apartment building, and refused to poop anywhere but grass for the first 2 months we lived here.....which proved interesting since the nearest grass is 3 blocks away.  Needless to say, it has been an adjustment.  The whole dog-territory thing has been the most challenging.  As a German Shepherd, whose natural instict is to protect a defined territory or person/people, he really struggled with what space was "his".  Was it just our apartment?  Our floor?  The whole building?  What about the area in front of the building?? OY! SO CONFUSING!  He has been very leary of other dogs being in this enormous gray area of territory.  While he gets along fabulously with other dogs, this has been a whole new ballgame.  The other night however, we went outside, and some of our building canines were hanging out with their owners in front of the building. Miniature Schnauzer, Pittbull, German Shepherd, and Boxer, all gathered together like a happy family.....and I feared that Popeye was on his way to ruin the party, but I wanted to see if he could keep  it together. As always, I had a pocket full of delicious treats, specifically for situations like this one.  We made it outside, and he immediately barked once, but I quickly corrected him and asked him to sit.  I got him to calm down, every few minutes making sure I still had his attention, and giving him a treat.  Within 10 minutes, he was calm and went to sniff and meet all of the other dogs!  No barking!  No scuffles! YAHOO!!!  In fact, within 20 minutes, he was having fun playing and wrestling with the Pitbull. Seriously, best dog interaction ever!!

3)  Best workout ever.  Ok....not really ever, but in the last year.  I have been dying to get back to the gym.  I literally stopped going a year ago when our lives were upended to move accross the country.  At this point last year, my husband was gone for 5 months of training, I was on my own, renovating our house, packing, searching for apartments, preparing for the move, and basically losing my mind.  While I realize that getting to the gym would have been cathartic, it just didn't happen.  So here we are a year later, and I had determined that if I didn't get into a gym, stat, that I would likely shrivel up and die.  So on Tuesday I took advantage of a 30 days for $30 deal at a local gym and went in for my first workout.  Obviously it wasn't really my best workout ever, because it was the first one in a long time, but damn, feeling the burn was awesome.  I did 40 minutes  on the Precor, followed by free weights. I am still sore today, and I fricking love it.

It was a good week overall.....however.....

Tomorrow is test day.  Doomsday.  If I even make it that far. This is our 14th cycle/17th month trying to get pregnant. I am burnt the F out....but giving up isn't an option.  I am 31. I want children. I have next to no control over how effective all of this trying is, and while I want more than anything to be pregnant, after all of this time, it also scares me. I haven't talked much on here about our infertility or my TTC journey, because I honestly feel like it is at a stand-still right now.  We know what the problem is (kind of - Unexplained Infertility), we know what we should do if we want to increase our odds, and we are knowingly NOT doing that right now while we save up money for treatments, and try to get my job situation locked up. As things progress, I am sure I will have more to say, but at the moment, I have been embracing the "nothingness" of NOT doing treatments, NOT charting, and NOT wondering if there is any damn thing in this world that I could do differently to change my situation.  I am just being, and for now, I like it.

Things I don't understand....

1) Fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt.  Are there yogurt-eaters that actually prefer that their fruit remains at the bottom?  I thought it was pretty standard to stir your yogurt prior to consumtion....am I wrong about this? I feel like it was an idea by lazy manufacturers to just throw the stuff in the cup and then frame it as some brilliant idea.

2) Knee-socks. Is there any legitimate reason that athletic socks need to go up to your knees?  I am not referring to knee socks that are worn while playing soccer - that is functional. I am referring to sporting knee-high tube socks for casual wear.  I refuse to believe that it is comfortable and I am certain that it is not stylish.

3)  Labeling bags of sugary cereal with over-hyped "10 whole grains per serving" labels, or similar.  I am not convinced that people buying sugary cereal that is full of marshmallows or frosting, etc., are highly motivated by a "10 whole grains" label.

4) British people - no matter how assholey - automatically sound more classy and refined than any American.  They can be telling you to go f' yourself, and make you want to do it, because they sound so damn charming.   Unrelated to my point, but related to the Brits....has anyone seen SophiaGrace and Rosie?  These girls are the cutest little peanuts, super talented, and are full of sass. I LOVE it.  Watch Here. and Here.

5)  Guys and video games.  Not much more to say on that one....

Firsts

Today, I experienced several firsts:

* The first time I have witnessed a drug deal go down in the park near my house, while simultaneously hoping that I remained physically ambiguous enough to not be recognized in the future. I don't think it was anything hard core, because they were pricing whatever they were selling at $50 and didn't seem too concerned that an innocent looking girl with a huge mean-ass looking dog were walking by at the same time.

*  The first time I have ever been spoken to by a Hasidic Jew. I am totally serious about this being a big deal to me.  I currently live in a very diverse neighborhood, and back home, I grew up always smiling or saying hi to people when I passed them on the sidewalk.  I started getting super paranoid because the Jewish people that I would walk past would never respond, and have even crossed to the complete opposite side of the street.  I was wondering if I had a total bitch-face and didn't know it, or if it was something culturally that I wasn't aware of that prevented them from talking to me. I seriously have been doing research and haven't come up with an answer yet, but I feel like when I walk through the neighborhood, I am wearing a big "I'm a goy" sign on my forehead. I'm not offended, just super curious.  Today, however a Jewish woman had a short, but friendly conversation with me about my dog, and it made me ridiculously happy!  I intentionally live in one of the most diverse neighborhoods around, and I am sincerely interested in learning more about my neighbors, so this was a big step!

*  I got my first UTI. And that, my friends, sucks a bag of dicks. I will be consuming cranberry juice like it is going out of style, and hoping that in the relatively near future, I don't feel like I am holding a pee while also having someone stand on my gut. 

*  First time I agreed to go to the beach since I balooned up like the Michelin Man. I don't f'ing care. I will be a chubby chick at the beach, and anyone who has a problem can suck it! 

6/6/12 Czyk List

I failed. I skipped the White Party.  Social anxiety got the best of me, and I didn't go. Oy vey, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I think I replay a worst case scenario in my mind and then talk myself out of social situations.  Like, I go, and don't know anyone, and nobody talks to me, so I stand in the corner by myself all night, and then I spill a drink on my white outfit, and am forced to ride the subway home covered with a drink from a party that  I shouldn't have gone to. See what I did there...?  Of course I don't want to go to that lame party!! This is totally me:

I have never pretend-played with my phone more in my life than I have at social functions where I don't know anyone.

J was gone all weekend again, and once again I watched far too much crappy TV, and daydreamed about being back home near my family, instead of here, where I know more dogs than people.  And to that point, you know that things have gone south when the longest coversation you have over the course of the weekend is with a dog.  Popeye is fully aware that I would like to lose about 20 pounds, thought Season 2 of Glee was disappointing, and that I would for real make out with Tom Hardy if given the opportunity. I am sure these are his feelings on the matter:

Overall, I am just waiting and hoping for something in life to make a turn for the better......getting a job would be awesome, as would getting pregnant, making more friends, or being able to swing a trip back home. I am not depressed, but I am definitely verging on crazy....