5/19/12 Czyk list

** This Blog hiatus, brought to you in part by an infertility-induced meltdown**

Wow. Epic fail already.  Within a week of starting to blog, I wind up locked to my couch wearing sweatpants, eating cookies, and watching entirely too much bad reality TV.

As I mentioned in my intro post, J and I are seemingly dealing with infertility. I guess "seemingly" isn't the right word, because it has officially been diagnosed (as Unexplained Infertility), but I can't really wrap my head around it sometimes so I just don't talk about it. Andplusalso, the stigma behind Unexplained Infertility is that "nothing is really wrong" because medical testing cannot determine the cause of the infertility. For those interested, here is the summary. 

Long story short, we are just starting our 17th month/14th cycle of trying to get pregnant, and after all necessary testing, and working with a Reproductive Endocrinologist who is absolutely fantastic, we were told that our chances of conceiving naturally at this point were about 4% each month, and that our best chance of getting pregnant would be through IUI. A very few select close friends know about this, as well as a couple of close family members, but because I had some less-than-understanding reactions earlier on when we were undergoing testing, I have been gun-shy about sharing.  On one hand, it is nobody's business, but on the other hand, there is already such a stigma around infertility, I feel like being open about it might help combat that.

So the other night, in the midst of a conversation with my mom about when I would be able to go back to my hometown (1200 miles from where I am now), I decided to bite the bullet and tell her that it was somewhat riding on what happened with IUI, etc. because of both the time and expense associated with that. After spilling my guts, her response was "Ok, well good luck with that." OUCH. Not sure what I was expecting, but not that. This was followed by a long argument with J about if we are really ready to move forward, how he refuses to believe that anything is actually wrong (double OUCH), and on and on with the end result being me feeling super alone and wanting to remain in a blanket cocoon with ice cream and an iPod full of sad music. 

I should add that this has all been paired with the fact that after 2 awesome interviews with a great organization, and the request for availability for a 3rd interview..........I got dropped like a hot potato. No phone call, no response to my follow-up message, nothing. I don't understand why they would tell me they wanted to bring me back for an additional interview, get a list of good days, and then never call. Mind = blown. I guess I am still hanging on to a shred of hope, since I really want this job, but obviously that is probably foolish. It has been over a week and a half since my last interview.

I wish my checklist for today were more exciting, but here it is:

*  Do the laundry that hasn't been done all week.
*  Clean the apartment.
*  Walk the dog.
*  Try to stave off the drinking shits that are bound to surface after last night. :(
*  Job search.

Awesome Saturday, if I say so myself. ;)