That was the call I got from my RE clinic the other day. Actually, it was more like, "Hi! So, you got your Infertility diagnosis and treatment plan 4 months ago....are you going to do anything about it?" And sadly, (very sadly) my answer was "No, we are not." Honestly it was crushing to have to call the clinic back and tell them that at this point, we just can't. Especially since in my mind, I am thinking "Yes!! Yes we want to do it! We will do whatever it takes!"
I have been in such a good place with things lately. Despite our best-laid plans going terribly wrong, I have had a new job to focus on, I have been spending time with friends, I have been working out like a fiend and trying to lose some weight, and had convinced myself that I was totally ok. And then the call came, and I realized that I am not. I can be good, push infertility out of my mind for days at a time, and then the smallest thing happens that sends me into a spiral again. I never would have thought that here we would be, 20 months into this process with no baby, no positive pregnancy test, and no idea at all when our time will come. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
That said, I am SO SO thankful for some of the amazing people that I have met along the way...the ones that understand....that can let me be sad, but also remind me to not give up.
I realize that this song has nothing to do with infertility, but Greg Laswell is a man after my own heart, and this song kind of sums up what I feel like at the moment...... It Comes and Goes in Waves
Monday, August 27, 2012
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Growing up, Growing out
Not sure if anyone is even still reading this, since I have done such a crappy job of updating, but I am trying to get back into the swing of things, so here I am.
First, the growing up part. Sometimes I love it, and sometimes I hate it. I love that I have a job that I care a lot about. I love that what I do is making a difference for people. I love feeling like I am contributing something positive to the world. I hate paying bills. I hate getting older, and chubbier and more cynical. I hate that half of the bands I grew up listening to are totally obselete. :P I vividly remember being like 16 and being SO impatient to get older, have my parents off my ass, and be able to call the shots. Sadly, now that I actually AM older, I wish that my parents were around more, and someone else is still calling the shots, so 16-year-old-self; How do you like them apples?
As for the growing out part....I hope that is reversible. I finally decided about a week and a half ago that for as often as I complained about the fact that I was getting fat, I did very little about it. Complaining is easier than exercising. :P SO, I finally smacked some sense into myself and signed up for MyFitnessPal, began tracking all of my food and exercise, and have been finishing under my calorie goal every day! I haven't really seen much by way of results yet, but I am proud of myself for doing it. I have also done some form of work out for 8 of the last 11 days. J started doing P90X with me, and it is kicking my ass, but I am confident that someday I will be able to do all of the videos. I love feeling the burn!
SO - that was probably among the most lame and pointless updates I have posted, but if you are still reading this blog, you must like me at least a little bit, and will consider letting this one slide. :)
First, the growing up part. Sometimes I love it, and sometimes I hate it. I love that I have a job that I care a lot about. I love that what I do is making a difference for people. I love feeling like I am contributing something positive to the world. I hate paying bills. I hate getting older, and chubbier and more cynical. I hate that half of the bands I grew up listening to are totally obselete. :P I vividly remember being like 16 and being SO impatient to get older, have my parents off my ass, and be able to call the shots. Sadly, now that I actually AM older, I wish that my parents were around more, and someone else is still calling the shots, so 16-year-old-self; How do you like them apples?
As for the growing out part....I hope that is reversible. I finally decided about a week and a half ago that for as often as I complained about the fact that I was getting fat, I did very little about it. Complaining is easier than exercising. :P SO, I finally smacked some sense into myself and signed up for MyFitnessPal, began tracking all of my food and exercise, and have been finishing under my calorie goal every day! I haven't really seen much by way of results yet, but I am proud of myself for doing it. I have also done some form of work out for 8 of the last 11 days. J started doing P90X with me, and it is kicking my ass, but I am confident that someday I will be able to do all of the videos. I love feeling the burn!
SO - that was probably among the most lame and pointless updates I have posted, but if you are still reading this blog, you must like me at least a little bit, and will consider letting this one slide. :)
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Public Transportation
I have been terrible about blogging, so for those of you that check in, I am sorry that I haven't had anythig new in awhile! With my new job in full swing, I am having a hard time balancing everything else on my to-do list!
Now that I am back to commuting on the regular, I have been celebrating all of the joys of public transportation. This last week held some of most awful public transportation situations rolled into a 7-day period. First, there was the guy next to me on the bus who grunted literally the whole trip. It sounded like a perpetual clearing of the throat, combined with a growl, and was both frightening and distracting. Then, I got on the subway and had a guy fall asleep on my shoulder. I was in a middle seat and tried to move away, but I couldn't get too far. He didn't wake up, just dozed on my shoulder until I could free myself. Later in the week, the subway was PACKED because it was raining outside. I made it on, but was positioned directly under the armpit of someone that had just worked a full day without deoderant. The odor was horrible, but again, I had nowhere to go. Adding insult to injury, the train stopped because there was a medical emergency on board, so there we were, packed like sardines and stopped for almost 20 minutes, while I tried desperately to avoid the armpit of doom.
Yesterday, I was supposed to be flying home for a series of events that I was really looking forward to; the baby shower of a close friend, the wedding of another, and the birthdays of two of my nephews. I am really lucky to have access to extremely discounted travelby flying standby, but after yesterday, I wonder if the benefits are even worth it.
Long story short, I didn't make it on the first flight, nor three flights following. Not one single customer service agent would help me....they kept shoving me off and giving me phone numbers to call, sending me to different service desks, etc., and then I would do that, and no one would help me there either. My cell phone died between the seemingly hundreds of calls home and to the customer service line (which was useless by the way). I then paid for iternet at the airport so that I could try to look up flight information on my own, but the airport was a dead zone, and I couldn't even use the iternet service that I paid for. Since I kept being shoved off to other areas, I literally hoofed it from one end of the airport to another 4 times, while lugging my heavy bags. By this point, I was so upset that no one from the airline would take even 5 minutes to give me any information or help me, that my patience had worn thin. After nine hours at the airport, I finally gave up and decided to go home. I hauled my stuff to the bus stop, only to get there and find that they had moved the bus stop. So, once again, I hauled my crap accross another terminal, and by the time I got out to the re-located bus stop it was pouring rain. Seriously the worst day I have had in a long time. For what it's worth, Delta will be recieving a phone call about how I was treated by the agents, and I NEVER call in complaints for anything.
Anywho.....an enthralling update I am sure. My basic message is that all of this disappointment led to the most delicious pepperoni and green olive pizza I have ever had, and as you may well know, pizza solves everything.
Now that I am back to commuting on the regular, I have been celebrating all of the joys of public transportation. This last week held some of most awful public transportation situations rolled into a 7-day period. First, there was the guy next to me on the bus who grunted literally the whole trip. It sounded like a perpetual clearing of the throat, combined with a growl, and was both frightening and distracting. Then, I got on the subway and had a guy fall asleep on my shoulder. I was in a middle seat and tried to move away, but I couldn't get too far. He didn't wake up, just dozed on my shoulder until I could free myself. Later in the week, the subway was PACKED because it was raining outside. I made it on, but was positioned directly under the armpit of someone that had just worked a full day without deoderant. The odor was horrible, but again, I had nowhere to go. Adding insult to injury, the train stopped because there was a medical emergency on board, so there we were, packed like sardines and stopped for almost 20 minutes, while I tried desperately to avoid the armpit of doom.
Yesterday, I was supposed to be flying home for a series of events that I was really looking forward to; the baby shower of a close friend, the wedding of another, and the birthdays of two of my nephews. I am really lucky to have access to extremely discounted travelby flying standby, but after yesterday, I wonder if the benefits are even worth it.
Long story short, I didn't make it on the first flight, nor three flights following. Not one single customer service agent would help me....they kept shoving me off and giving me phone numbers to call, sending me to different service desks, etc., and then I would do that, and no one would help me there either. My cell phone died between the seemingly hundreds of calls home and to the customer service line (which was useless by the way). I then paid for iternet at the airport so that I could try to look up flight information on my own, but the airport was a dead zone, and I couldn't even use the iternet service that I paid for. Since I kept being shoved off to other areas, I literally hoofed it from one end of the airport to another 4 times, while lugging my heavy bags. By this point, I was so upset that no one from the airline would take even 5 minutes to give me any information or help me, that my patience had worn thin. After nine hours at the airport, I finally gave up and decided to go home. I hauled my stuff to the bus stop, only to get there and find that they had moved the bus stop. So, once again, I hauled my crap accross another terminal, and by the time I got out to the re-located bus stop it was pouring rain. Seriously the worst day I have had in a long time. For what it's worth, Delta will be recieving a phone call about how I was treated by the agents, and I NEVER call in complaints for anything.
Anywho.....an enthralling update I am sure. My basic message is that all of this disappointment led to the most delicious pepperoni and green olive pizza I have ever had, and as you may well know, pizza solves everything.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Starting Over
This week I was back to work for the first time in almost 5 months, and while I am so excited to be working again, I forgot how completely exhausting it was to commute almost an hour each way on public transportation and work 8 hours! I have been mentally and physically drained. Yes, I realize that this is normal, and nothing to complain about,but this isn't a complaint at all, more of a reminder of how truly relaxing it was to operate under my own schedule.
That said, here is a recap of the good and bad things I learned this week at work.
GOOD
* We can wear jeans to the office. This is amazingly awesome to me. As much as I am happy to wear business attire, nothing compares to a jeans day once in awhile.
* We get done at 3pm on Fridays during the summer. Truthfully, I don't ever do much on Friday evenings, but it seemed like I should be excited about this, so I am.
* I have one whole week next month off - paid - and it doesn't count against my vacation time. It is just a freebie for everyone to regroup and relax at the end of summer.
* My co-workers seem really fun and funny. People are laughing all the time.
* My organization is currently working on a number of really exciting projects, so I think there will be a lot going on to keep me occupied and engaged.
* There is a Pret directly accross the street. If you do not know what Pret A Manger is, Google it. Best ever!
BAD
* I kind of forgot how hard the learning curve can hit at a new job. I am back to the point of feeling dumb because I don't know what is going on, and feeling like I am not contributing. I am looking forward to being able to do some "actual" work, and prove to my team that I can hack it.
* I think my eyes almost started bleeding from all of the reading I did last week. It was good in terms of helping inform me of what was going on, but by day 4, I was starting to get a migraine and my vision was blurring.
* I feel like a new kid in high school, sitting alone at the lunch table. I know it takes time to make friends, but I am hoping that I do.
Anyway, I wish this update were more entertaining, but I wanted to put it out there for those of you that I know IRL that have been asking to know about the job! I promise I will try to be better about posting more frequently once I get settled in.
Au Revoir for now!
That said, here is a recap of the good and bad things I learned this week at work.
GOOD
* We can wear jeans to the office. This is amazingly awesome to me. As much as I am happy to wear business attire, nothing compares to a jeans day once in awhile.
* We get done at 3pm on Fridays during the summer. Truthfully, I don't ever do much on Friday evenings, but it seemed like I should be excited about this, so I am.
* I have one whole week next month off - paid - and it doesn't count against my vacation time. It is just a freebie for everyone to regroup and relax at the end of summer.
* My co-workers seem really fun and funny. People are laughing all the time.
* My organization is currently working on a number of really exciting projects, so I think there will be a lot going on to keep me occupied and engaged.
* There is a Pret directly accross the street. If you do not know what Pret A Manger is, Google it. Best ever!
BAD
* I kind of forgot how hard the learning curve can hit at a new job. I am back to the point of feeling dumb because I don't know what is going on, and feeling like I am not contributing. I am looking forward to being able to do some "actual" work, and prove to my team that I can hack it.
* I think my eyes almost started bleeding from all of the reading I did last week. It was good in terms of helping inform me of what was going on, but by day 4, I was starting to get a migraine and my vision was blurring.
* I feel like a new kid in high school, sitting alone at the lunch table. I know it takes time to make friends, but I am hoping that I do.
Anyway, I wish this update were more entertaining, but I wanted to put it out there for those of you that I know IRL that have been asking to know about the job! I promise I will try to be better about posting more frequently once I get settled in.
Au Revoir for now!
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Oh Yeah, Forgot to Mention.....
I went out to brunch with a friend yesterday, and as we were talking, she kindly reminded me that I had never posted a blog update about the three-month-long job saga. SO, here I am with that update.
Last Monday, I got a call from the Executive Director of the organization, officially offering me the position! I was honestly quite impressed that the ED called me himself to welcome me to the organization. That small gesture alone speaks highly to what I believe will be a good level of job satisfaction. I start tomorrow, and am really excited to get to know people, and to get to work.
That said, I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. With every new work experience there is a learning curve, where you don't really know what you are doing, haven't formed relationships yet, and are praying that they don't at some point look at you like you are a doofus and question their hiring decision. I know I have mentioned this before, but I am an introvert that has grown adept at the "fake-it-till-you-make-it" mentality. This doesn't mean that I don't get terrified as hell walking into a new environment, however. I am hoping that tomorrow will go well, and I can make it through the first day relatively unscathed. Thanks to all of you that have offered encouragment during this process. I really appreciate it!
Last Monday, I got a call from the Executive Director of the organization, officially offering me the position! I was honestly quite impressed that the ED called me himself to welcome me to the organization. That small gesture alone speaks highly to what I believe will be a good level of job satisfaction. I start tomorrow, and am really excited to get to know people, and to get to work.
That said, I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. With every new work experience there is a learning curve, where you don't really know what you are doing, haven't formed relationships yet, and are praying that they don't at some point look at you like you are a doofus and question their hiring decision. I know I have mentioned this before, but I am an introvert that has grown adept at the "fake-it-till-you-make-it" mentality. This doesn't mean that I don't get terrified as hell walking into a new environment, however. I am hoping that tomorrow will go well, and I can make it through the first day relatively unscathed. Thanks to all of you that have offered encouragment during this process. I really appreciate it!
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
This Says it All
There are moments in life when a song captures emotions perfectly. Right now, this is mine.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Book Reviews!
What? Book reviews? Yeah, not my standard MO, but lately, my life has been about as exciting as
I have been reading a lot, in part to meet my goodreads goal of 50 books this year (over halfway there!), but also because I am a big fan of escapist literature. You know, the kind that is not even close to my real life, so I can pretend for a few hours that I really am not super lame, sitting in my sweats, eating Chinese food, having conversations with my dog.
I have a Kindle Fire that is closer to me than some family members. We spend time together every day, and I feel that we have a loving relationship. I wouldn't say that it is replacing my husband........but kind of. I have this thing that sets the bar for good books with me, its
This past weekend, this feeling came around again, when I was crazy enough to read 3 books in 3 days. Thoughtless, Effortless, and Collision Course - all by S.C. Stephens. I will preface this by saying that I have had a lot of free time, since I am not back to work yet, so perhaps the absence of feeling like my time is valuable and limited may have influenced my decision to stay up till 4am for three days in a row. That said, I really enjoyed all 3 books, and my decision to read them was based far more on the reviews than the publisher's descriptions, which I actually thought sounded kind of lame.
SO, for those interested in some sexy, romantic, engaging fiction, here are my reviews.
Thoughtless
Kiera is a college student with a hot Aussie boyfriend that she is in love with. When her boyfriend gets his dream job accross the country, she decides to go with him and finish up college in a new city where she can be with Denny. Although this kind of breaks the first rule of female independance, I get it - first love and all. The romance is deep, the sex is hot, and the accent can't hurt.
Anyways, they end up moving in with Kellen, an edgy, sexy musician and long time friend of Denny's. Kellen gives gives Keira a lady-boner from day 1, but she just considers it window shopping since she still gets her rocks off on Denny. After not too long, Denny has to take a long term assignment out of state, and leaves Kiera alone in a city where she knows almost no one except aforementioned sexy, edgy musician. And this my friends, is stupid boyfriend mistake #1.
Lines start to get a little blurry between Kiera and Kellen. He tries to befriend her, and help her cope with Denny being away, but secretly he kind of makes her tingly, and it is really hard (tee hee) to ignore the chemistry between them.
Dumb boyfriend mistake #2 happens when Denny decides (without talking to Kiera) to take a permanent position out of state. Obviously when he tells her this, shit hits the fan, and she tells him he can take a walk. Several comforting tequila shots later, the plot thickens.....
No further spoilers, but as someone who has been tangled up in an intense (though imaginary) love triangle between Tom Hardy and Channing Tatum, I can fully relate to the pain that comes from having to choose between two equally appealing pieces of man-candy.
HIGHLIGHT: Naughtiest club move ever in this book.
Effortless
I wish I could say more about this book, but because it is a sequel to Thoughtless, I can't say too much without spoilers.
I will say that Kiera eventually makes a decision, but since Thoughtless was basically a Pong match between the sexy Aussie and the edgy musician, this relationship is about as trustworthy as a used car salesman.....so I guess that makes the title misleading, but believe me, it all makes sense as the book goes on.
HIGHLIGHT: Involves a party, and a bathroom.
Collision Course
This book is also super emotional and complex, but in a different way than the other two.
Lucas was a popular kid in high school, finishing up his junior year. He played football, was in love with his girlfriend. Pretty much all of the stereotypes that high school dramas are made of.
But then, at the end of junior year, he is the driver in a fatal car accident that kills his girlfriend and his 2 best friends. Suddenly, he is blamed for their deaths, he stops playing football, he struggles to cope, deals with severe survivor's guilt, and is basically a justifiable disaster.
He meets Sawyer (a girl), who is kind of a social outcast, but doesn't give two shits what people think, and becomes pretty much the only person that will still talk to Lucas.
I can't even attempt to make this review funny, because I seriously ugly cried Farrah-from-Teen-Mom-Style at points while reading this book. The last time this happened was when I was reading Marley and Me, and I had to explain to my husband that my uncontrollable sobbing was caused by the death of a Labrador I had never met.
The lack of judgement exhibited in the amount of hours spent reading these three books in a three day window, also carried over to me emailing the author in the midst of my book-induced insomnia to tell her how much I liked them. I really did like them all - a lot....but I think I could have saved the melodrama.
In any case - the books have been linked, the reviews have been written, and you, my friends, have been given the gift of new reading material.
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